I'm Pregnant!

For as long as I could remember I have imagined this time in my life. So much so that I actually started to think that it would never happen to me. At 26 years old I even started to think (but not seriously) that my time was running out, and maybe I was meant for something else. The idea of having a child sat in the background of my mind and I questioned whether I actually desired to be a mother, or if it was some compensatory desire I had to fulfill some void part in myself. I questioned my reasons for wanting a child and if they were good enough. I felt a biological urge to procreate and a rational resistance that judged myself for wanting children. Maybe I just had to realize that I don't actually want children and begin to mourn the attachment and identity I had created for myself around it. Then...it happened, completely unexpectedly, the way I always knew it would happen.

One morning I went to a coffee shop and while I was there I went to the bathroom. When I sat down I noticed my ovulation mucous in my underwear. Sometimes I see it, but mostly I don't, so it was fun to know without a shadow of a doubt that I was ovulating. After the coffee shop I came home and my partner almost immediately jumped me and we started having sex. I didn't tell him I was ovulating because I never tell him when I am ovulating. The form of birth control we have always used is the rhythm method, but mostly he just doesn't ejaculate at all, or he practices non-ejaculatory orgasms. We have sex everyday, and if he were to ejaculate every time.....well, then we wouldn't be having sex everyday. It keeps his energy flowing, and has him feeling more turned on. In a months time he probably ejaculates 5 times on average. Anyway, for some reason this time was different. Almost immediately after we get going, he releases himself, without notice, inside of me. I asked him if he just came in me and he kind of chuckled and said yes. I told him I was fertile and he said he thought it was too early for me to be. We briefly talked about me taking the morning after pill, but then just sort of went about our day.

The next day, he does it AGAIN. The exact same thing. At this point I was convinced his biological drive and subconscious were trying to get me pregnant. A part of him wanted this. Then, we seriously talked about taking the morning after pill, but I was hesitant. I won't even take over the counter pain relievers or any type of synthetic drug for that matter, much less a high dose of artificial progesterone hormone. Truly, the issue for me wasn't whether or not I wanted a baby so much as it was my fear of how this drug will have an effect on my body. In the end, I decided that taking this pill would be better than the potential of being faced with a possible pregnancy in a couple weeks. You're supposed to take the pill no more than 72 hours after intercourse. At about 68 hours after he first came in me, I took the pill. And I literally felt zero side effects. I was so relieved.

Then, I was a day late with my cycle. I had read that the morning after pill could possibly throw off your cycle the month that you take it, making it a bit earlier or later, so I thought that was probably why, but just to confirm I wasn't pregnant I bought a dollar tree test to find out. To my complete surprise it immediately popped up with a big fat POSITIVE.

Reality started to twist and get hazy. My heart was pounding. This can't be real. I'm dreaming. I'm shaking as I call my boyfriend. He answers and I try to act calm. We talk about what he's eating for a second before I break down and tell him. I go on and on, crying and confused, then when I finally slow down and take a breath I ask him how he feels. "I feel good," he says. That's a relief. He's a big believer in signs and started talking about the way it happened and how he just came in me twice without telling me, and how Plan B didn't work, and how he had just built a huge California king size bed. It was in the cards, and that's how I felt too. It was time. Not totally convenient, but if you know us, that's not really our style. Once the shock wore off and the reality settled in (although, I am not sure the reality of it has totally settled in yet) I had room for excitement about it. Fears come up for us both and that's natural. It's a completely new experience and unknown territory we are stepping into. Our lives as we know it are changing. We deal with our fears as best as we can and allow them to come up and be heard and expressed. Even really really taboo ones that most people probably don't say to each other.

Because I did take the morning after pill, I was concerned about how it would effect the baby. I did a lot of google searches and read a lot about it (apparently I'm not the only one who had Plan B not "work") and I found nothing that proved that this pill causes adverse side affects or abnormalities in babies. Plus, I am really healthy and confident that my body and lifestyle will lead to a healthy birth and a healthy child.

The energetics of the situation had me worried as well. Given that I tried to prevent this pregnancy and it happened anyway, I was concerned that on some fundamental level my child would feel not wanted. I'm a big believer in how children are effected energetically inside the womb (and outside, too, of course). Since I have found out I am pregnant I have sat quietly and spoken to my child and reassured him/her that they are in fact loved and a blessing to me, and that I trusted their process and knew they were coming to me for the right reasons and had their own path to follow.

This blog will follow my journey through this pregnancy, and into parenting. I am training to be a birth doula and have been researching the area of evidence based pregnancy and parenting for several years. I believe in full term breastfeeding, and I am of the attachment parenting philosophy. My child will be born at home and will not receive vaccines, or be circumcised. My partner and I eat a plant based diet and so will our child. If you resonate with any of these methods of conscious/primitive/crunchy parenting, this blog is for you and for everyone else who wants to learn about a more compassionate, healthy, back to basics birth and parenting approach. And of course for anyone who wants to follow my journey through pregnancy :)